She was amazing. Isn't she lovely? She is beautiful. What a pisser! I wish she was here. You are the sunshine of my life. Let's call her because she would love this! Oh, Beth, why? Ramble on.
This feeling I can't shake is still constant. The feeling like I've lost something, like something is missing. I continue to wait for her to come home. I want to know when that feeling will subside. I am fortunate enough that somehow this feeling of loss has been accompanied by this feeling of peace all week. My thoughts are not troubled, although my heart is heavy. My mind is racing, though my head is clear. These strange contradictions are new territory.
These events have been raw, yet these events have been uplifting. Buffalonians scooped me up, brought me home, and released me to the arms of my mother. My longtime friends were also waiting with open arms and endless hugs of support, grief, and love. A family, already tight as a knot, somehow became even closer. The incredible Hackett Clan stepped up and carried us all through. Numerous friends and strangers were performing acts of kindness to let us know they care. People arrived from all over the country and the world to join us in our time of sorrow and celebration. Bagpipes and fiddles were played in her honor. And finally, on Sunday, that message brought by Celeste was the most outstanding message I've ever received. The message from Colorado that led to the ink on the left wrists of my brother, my sister, and myself.
Never could one even begin to imagine a week that involved so much pain and sadness and power and love because nobody would believe it... yet this experience is fucking true.
Life is so short and precious. I know what that means. I know who and what matters. I know what it means to be strong because I have these amazing examples of strength all around me. I am appreciating things more than I ever thought possible. I am blessed. I have grown and aged more in these ten days than in my 26 short years. I have crossed a threshold in life- an earth shattering, life altering threshold that can never be reversed. And that is okay.
I am scared that I haven't fully accepted that my sister is gone and that my life will forever be different. But who knows, maybe that is something that is never fully accepted. How can such raw, heart-wrenching information ever be fully accepted? Will I ever understand? Will there ever be an answer? Perhaps not. Maybe this is just one puzzle that is never meant to be solved. And though I may never solve this puzzle, I will resolve the questions.
The void of losing Beth may never be filled. But I am so lucky to have Erin and Matthew to remind me of her sparkle. My mother to remind me of her love and resilience. My family to remind me of her devotion. My friends to remind me about support and laughter. Beth's friends to remind me of her brilliance and loyalty. And of course, the countless other amazing people who have made those gestures of acknowledgement of the tragedy that has taken Beth's life far too soon. I am so grateful to be alive and to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I'm sure there will be much more to write and share in the coming days, weeks, months, and years... But for now Grandpa's old clock is chiming that it's time for me to go to sleep.
Love and Kisses.
I dreamt of an ocean blue
Under water me and you
Let's not swim to shore
Just float forever more
We could hide behind the sun
Where no one will upset our fun
Let's take off our shoes
And dance away the blues
Was your sweet kiss just a dream
So real the taste of tangerine
You are my best friend
Forever, now and then
Forever, now and then
Forever, now and then
-Clem Snide
